A Tale of a Pathetic Love Affair

I can't believe that I haven't blogged this one yet.  Going back a couple of months here, but this one is definitely one for the books.  Here lies one of my most shameful displays of my attempts to make my deluded fantasies of me and Bob Schneider growing old together a reality.  I'd say if you know me well, but really if you know me at all, you are well acquainted for my long standing affinity for one Bob Schneider.  If you don't know who he is, leave now.  Now, I am aware that all self-respecting Texas women share a similar affinity, but I beg to differ.  Now, luckily, I am a lot more self-respecting than most self-respecting Texas women and I would not stoop to the level of most to gain a few minutes of Bob's attention, as I am quite certain that would probably lead to a few uncomfortable doctors appointments and a lifetime of valtrex.  Sorry, but as much as I love him, I'm not so deluded to think he's not a dirty bird.  But that doesn't stop me from attending an embarrassing amount of his shows and throwing elbows to work my way up to the front row or even making posters on one occasion, with sketches none the less, to try and get him to play my favorite song.  I digress.

So back in March, my trusty iLike app on my iPhone buzzed and gave me my weekly dose of new local shows of my favorite artists.  I casually pulled out my phone to check out the shows and I in a moment that I can only imagine is what it is like for menopausal women experiencing hot flashes, I saw Bob's name flash across my screen.  I immediately booked tickets to the show and alerted everyone I knew in the greater London area.  Show time finally arrived, and with my newly acquired skills of meeting Rock Stars overseas, I was certain that this was my moment.  The moment that I have been waiting 5 years for.  The moment in which I could redeem myself for only being able to muster the words "wow, you're really sweaty" when I finally shook hands with Bob in 2005.  Yes people, I have mad game.

Annie and I head to see the show, he is actually the opening act for Bowling for Soup.  I was furious, Bob is not an "opening act".  Anyways, it was a relatively small venue, so we had a good spot and the room was filled with Brits who were actually there to see Bowling for Soup (really?!) and had no idea who Bob was.  There were a few Texas people dispersed throughout the crowd, so we had to really put in the effort on the sing-a-longs.  I'll tell you this much, a Bob show isn't quite the same when the crowd can't do the sing-a-longs.  Towards the end he asked if anyone had any requests, since it was a small crowd and he could hear a few of of Texas folk cheering him on screaming at him.  He actually called on me. Finally, I was going to get to hear my favorite Bob song of all time.  So I yell out  "Tiger and the Lamb" as loud as I can and he says "No" and calls on the next girl.  I was deflated.  After he finished his set he wandered off stage and disappeared into the night.  I was a little bummed.  Surprisingly, Bowling for Soup was more entertaining than I expected, probably because of the copeous amounts of booze they consumed while on stage.  Then it happened.  All of a sudden out of the corner of my eye, I see Annie's arm shoot out and grab someone at the exact same time I hear her voice in slow motion saying "Boooooobbbbbbbb".  Really it happened just like that.  I whip around, clearly in slow motion as well.  And there he is, in all his beautiful, unshaven glory.  Two feet from me.   He gives us a "hey, how's it going" all casual like.  So we (read Annie, because I am frozen like a fish in the dead of winter in northern Siberia) reciprocate with an equally casual "not much, good show."  The conversation went back and forth like this, all the while I stood there looking like a aww-struck fembot, until finally he asked us what our plans were that night.  We Annie responded we'd probably go to a pub in the area, and he then said "you gotta number".  At this point I snapped even further into my frozen stuper while Annie pops out her phone and Bob takes it out of her hands and puts his number in it.  This is the second time I have literally wanted to jump out of my skin and kill Annie in a jealous rage.  But then I remembered if she wasn't taking action, I certainly wouldn't have been. So after the show we meander over to a local pub and send Bob a friendly "what's your plan" text.  We wait, and we wait, and we wait. Finally we give ourself a time limit of pathetic-ness.  That comes and goes, so Annie hides the blunt butter knife from me we hold our heads up high and walk out of the pub.  When we are on our way back to the tube I have to go to the bathroom, so I run in the movie theatre to use their bathroom.  When I come out Annie asks if I just want to see a movie since we didn't have any other plans that night that didn't involve us making memories with Bob.  I agree, we buy tickets to Cemetary Junction (not advisable) and large diet cokes and double large popcorns.  Don't judge, we have open wounds to lick.  We get settled into our seats and sit through the most boring 2 minutes of cinematic crap ever and all of a sudden Annie's phone lights up with  "Bob" flashing across the screen.  In what was inevitably the most silent part of the movie, Annie squeals "what do i doooooo?!?!"  and I answer her back in a voice that I am sure favors Lucifer himself "ANSWER IT!!!!!!!!!!!"  She runs out of the movie theatre and answers the call.  She comes back and I am anxiously awaiting her arrival in my seat and she says "we are going to the tour bus"  I literally throw my popcorn up in the air and start to gather my things. She then informs me, that her conversation with Bob went something like this.  In ever such a casual, bored tone...

Bob - Hey, it's Bob

Annie - Oh, hey Bob

Bob-  Where are you

Annie - hold on, I can't hear you, let me step outside.  There that's better, we are at a pub across the street

Bob- How do I get there

Annie  - You cross the street

Bob - Oh, that sounds difficult, do you just want to come to the bus and hang out

Annie - Sure, but we need to finish our beers first

Such composure, I admire you Annie.  So I regain no resemblance of such composure and run to the bathroom and jump up and down like a fat kid on Christmas.  We wait an appropriate amount of "beer drinking" time and then head over to the bus.  But not before Annie stops by the snack counter and tells the manager that the movie was crap and we want our money back.  Genius. 

We walk up to the tour bus and there Bob, the Bowling for Soup guys and some of their tech guys, managers are standing outside hanging out.  Bob sees us approaching and walks over to meet us.  This is where it gets weird.  I have finally regained use of the spoken word and Annie and I proceed to talk Bob's ear off.  Not because we had a bad case of verbal vomit but because the guy who is so charismatic and charming (in my eyes) on stage has the personality of a tree stump.  Seriously, it was so weird.  I still don't really know what to make of it.  It's not that he wasn't nice or didn't talk at all.  He was SO nice to us and answered all of our questions, but he just wasn't engaging at all.  He offers us beers and doesn't take one for himself, when we call attention to us, he tells us he is sober now.  That. Explains. So. Much.  The crazy, womanizing Bob that I have heard tales about was the "pre-rehab" Bob.  I want that Bob back. Anyways, like I said, he was perfectly nice to us, and I don't know what I expected...for him to dance like a monkey for us, obviously not.  But at least I got to ask him why he straight up denied my Tiger and the Lamb request and he said he couldn't play it without a band and his new band didn't know it anyways, but that it was cool that I knew that one.   After a bit the bus started up and they had to head onto the next city, but Bob was nice enough to take a couple of pictures with us and walk us out of the tour bus when we left. And that my friends is the tale of how I ended up on my second tour bus in the same month.